A Legacy and a Wink

Grateful for the Legacy. 

What you can do for us. 

Give a wink. 

This was written four years ago today, four days after we lost Dad. I was thinking about his legacy and the legacy of family and of faith. I still remember writing these words to share as a response to the many people who poured out their love for our family. The following is that note.

This week, we lost Dad. The man you probably know as Gerald or Joe. Following church this past Sunday, he was working in the kitchen. This was his final act of service to his church family. He sat to rest and then his heart stopped working. First responders attended to him immediately and worked desperately to bring him back. All the while, family and friends surrounded and cared for each other and prayed. The world tragically lost a remarkable man, but it was a blessing how it unfolded as it did. Support and love flowed and surrounded this moment and this man known for a lifetime of support and love for others.  

As our family processes this loss, we are truly blessed and grateful. We have had a tremendous outpouring of love from those around us. Dad positively touched so many lives, and we feel that spirit of love flowing back as we are consoled by the many lives Dad touched. Thank you all for reaching out to offer condolences. It means the world to us. 

As I reflect on these past few days, I’ve noticed something. I’ve noticed that we’re most frequently greeted with these three statements. I’m sorry for your loss. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. You and your family are in our prayers. 

These are perfect things to say. I know that it is often hard for people to know what to say. Often, simply showing up with a smile or a hug is enough. If you’re searching for words, these are good ones. I encourage you to keep using them. When you talk to us, keep it simple. We’re just happy to know that Dad touched your life and that you care about us. That’s more than enough for us. We are truly blessed and grateful for Dad and for you. 

The first and third statements are kind and welcomed. It's great to hear what you’re feeling and what you’re doing. That second one...that’s a good one. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. It’s a great statement, but I’ll tell you it’s tough to answer. By all means, keep saying it, but we mourners will often simply respond with a thank you. And that’s okay for us. But now, here’s a gift to you. Which is a job for you. 

When we see others suffer, we want to help but don’t know how. That second statement is great, but don’t expect a request. Mourners really don’t know what to ask for which leaves the consoler with nothing further to do. Today, I’m going to give you something to do. Something easy to do. Something powerful to do. I’m calling in the favor. Is there anything you can do for us? Yes, there is. I’ve actually got two jobs for you. Two things you can do for us and for Dad. 

First, look for ways to show quiet kindness and quiet compassion to those around you. If someone thanks you, simply “you’re welcome.” Look at people differently. Look deeply at those around you and remember that every life is truly precious. Look for people who don’t look like you or talk like you or believe like you. Be kind. Be compassionate. This is how Dad lived. Give it a try. 

Second, look for ways to lay down your shield and open up your heart. We live in a world that often notices differences more than commonalities. Focus on listening and loving rather than defending our views. Listen as intently as you wish to be heard. I think we can easily get caught up in negative talk and forget that we all live together in this world that God “so loved.” It will serve us all well to remember that we live in a world of “neighbors.” There is no “them” in our world. There is only us. Humanity. So, love God and love your neighbor as yourself. This is how Dad lived. Give it a try. 

Dad served, and Dad loved. He can no longer do this on his own. Now he needs your help. That’s your job. If you genuinely want to know if “there’s anything I can do for you,” this is it. Serve someone. Love someone. Then give a little wink to Dad and say, “This one’s for you, Joe.” His spirit will thank you. Our family will thank you. You will have given this world a precious gift on Dad’s behalf. You will allow Dad to love his neighbor just one more time. I can think of no greater gift for a man who gave so much for so long. That’s what you can do for us.  

Thank you for listening. Thank you for keeping Dad’s spirit alive through a tiny moment of kindness. Thank you, because doing what you can do for us would make Dad happy. God bless. Enjoy the day. And don't forget to give a wink to Dad.